The Illusion of Cloud 9

I am not a CEO. Im not a boss. I don’t even like to work.

I’ve mastered surviving. Ive mastered living comfortably. And now, I want to master financial freedom.

That’s where the whole Soft Life CEO thing came into play. But maybe I was forcing myself into something I’m truly not and don’t actually desire to be.

I can sell things, sure. I can create, yes. I can build ideas. But does that make me a CEO?? Does that make me a business owner? And more importantly, do I even like the ups and downs that, that comes with it?

I’m starting to realize that I don’t necessarily dream of being a businesswoman. I dream of being free. And doing exactly whatever the hell I feel like doing in that moment, in that season of time.

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All I know is that Im rich.

Not necessarily in the way my bank account reflects today, but in the way I feel myself moving through life. I’ve always had this strange knowing that I’m going to be okay. I don’t always have a plan. I don’t always know the next move. I just feel my way through life. ( and if you don’t know girl.. its not really something I can explain..)

Just know feeling is my compass.

I wanted to start showing other people how to create digital products, but the truth is, I don’t even create everyday. Recently, I’ve barely been creating at all. It’s been an entire month since I’ve written in my blog.

Most days, I’m actually binge watching my favorite show - currently Desperate Housewives- finding something delicious to eat, planning my next shopping outing, spending time with my family, or doing Ubers. 

I’m a very simple girl with very little needs.

But the things I do want, I want them specifically.

I don’t just want more experiences. I want tailored experiences.

I want to be able to say, “I want a Benz” and go get the exact one I want. 

I want to say, “ I want this look” and from the hairstyle, to the makeup , to the shoes- I want to be styled exactly that way I envision. 

I want my desires fulfilled to the T! No room for interpretation. No knockoffs. No settling.

And I think, for me, financial freedom has always represented that kind of power — the power to experience life exactly as I desire it.

But trying to build my own way there has been a rollercoaster of emotion.

Disappointment.

Self-gaslighting.

Loneliness.

Being misunderstood.

Attacks of “I’m failing”.

And still, somehow, every one of those experiences has built something inside of me.

Confidence.

Self-trust.

A stronger belief in myself.

And perhaps my biggest belief of all:

I know I’m not returning to the workforce. Goodbye 9 to 5.

My creativity is my compass.

But lately, I’ve had to question whether I was actually following it— or whether I was using creativity to escape.

Growing up with money, mishandling funds, becoming accustomed to a life of leisure, and then having that delusion abruptly interrupted taught me something I didn’t necessarily want to learn:

If I want to amplify my life of leisure, I have to become intentional about my financial choices. 

I thought I was in building mode. But really, I was still escaping. 

And that might be the hardest pill to swallow.

Because nothing has been going the way I want it to. And when nothing goes the way you imagined, eventually you have to ask yourself:

Are my dreams too big?

Am I actually cut out for the entrepreneurial life?

Do I cherish the results more than the process?

Am I trying to force myself to want a life that I don’t even want?

Big sigh …

Cuz sometimes I feel like I can’t win.

The things I want do eventually come to me, of course,  but they don’t always come in MY time.

That is such a frustrating feeling.

I want what I want!

AND I WANT IT NOW!!

Sometimes I feel like I’m living in my own little personal hell, and no matter what I do, I can’t escape it.

Why would I want to live in a world where things aren’t going my way? It’s like I wake up everyday and live someone else’s life. And it’s so debilitating.

Every few months, there’s a rotation. A change of habits. A force of will. A DEMAND for reformation.

I convince myself that Im a pinky swear away from finally living the life I deserve… and then BAM!

An inconvenience.

A setback.  

Something completely outside of my plans throws everything off balance. And somehow, im back to square one.

Again.

And again.

And again.

HOW? HOW? HOW? HOW DO I GET OUT OF THE LOOP?

I don’t want another temporary breakthrough.

I want a drastic change in greatness that lasts!

I want to know what it truly feels like to be free, finally.

And maybe that’s why I keep thinking about the caged bird.

Now I understand why the caged bird sings her song of freedom.

She sings about something she has never fully experienced. She can only imagine it. And for a while imagination is enough.

She imagines the sky.

The wind.

The feeling of her wings carrying her somewhere new.

And those imaginings keep her satisfied for a time. 

Until she remembers:

She isn’t free…

So she sings. She hopes someone will open the door. She hopes someone will find the key.

She waits for the great revelation— the grand gesture, the perfect opportunity, the person, the moment, the sign that will finally rescue her.

But one day, when the wind blows hard enough, she realizes something terrifying: 

The door was never locked.

And somehow, that realization doesn’t make her immediately fly, because she has become comfortable with her cage. She is well taken care of . She is feed. She is warm. Her cage is decorated with beautiful things. Things that remind her of cloud 9. Things that make her forget she is still in a cage.

And so she stays…

Until she longs for true freedom again.

Then she prays, and she prays.

Because opening the door herself and flying out seems far too simple of a task to possibly be the answer she’s been waiting for.

So for a while, ole birdie just stands there.

Pretty.

Safe.

Fed.

Comfortable.

And stuck.

Wondering whether she should sing or fly, not believing she has enough room inside herself for both. So she sings when she wants more. She chirps when her cage starts to feel too small. She cries when she dreams because she never wants to seem ungrateful.. after all she has been wonderfully fed and taken care of. She has been given beautiful things. 

But eventually, she realizes that being well taken care of is not the same as being free. And dreaming of freedom is not the same thing as choosing it.

For so long, she only allowed herself to dream when she was put to bed. That indeed was the problem.

She had made dreaming a nighttime activity instead of a daytime choice.

Until one day, she finally said, “ I dare to be unapologetically me.

I dare to risk being seen

I dare to disappoint the version of me that learned how to survive by staying comfortable

I dare to stop asking whether I’m allowed to want what I want

I dare to stop mistaking comfort for fulfillment 

I dare to stop waiting for someone to hand me the key

And most importantly—

I dare to open the door.”

Not because I suddenly figured out how to guarantee that nothing will ever go wrong again but because freedom was never supposed to feel like certainty.

FREEDOM is faith. And faith is  simply the willingness to move before you know what happens next.

The cage was never my circumstance it was a belief I held onto that I was stuck. That I needed to transform into someone else before I could live the life I wanted. 

I don’t need to become a CEO.

I don’t need to build a company that consumes me.

I don’t need to work a job that irritates me or prove that I can survive like everyone else. 

I need to become more intentional. More intentional about creating a life that supports the woman I already am.

A woman who loves beautiful things.

A woman who loves her family.

A woman who loves to eat, shop, watch her shows, create when she feels inspired, experience new things, and move at her own rhythm. 

A woman who wants her life to feel like hers.

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Maybe the goal was never to build a business despite what all the gurus are saying these days. The goal is to build freedom. And maybe my creativity isn’t here to turn me into a workhorse and maybe I don’t need a funnel, or an email list to accomplish it. or maybe I do but right now my head isn’t in the space for it…

‘It’ meaning following the already written scripts, following the bandwagon of other people’s success. 

My creativity is my guiding light. It’s here to show me the way. And it’s this light that has told me that ive been looking at cloud 9 all wrong. Ive been dreaming of an illusion of cloud 9. It was never the result or the destination.

Cloud 9 is the reward you give yourself for living your dream. For learning how to live on the ground, in reality, with intention - and still feel like you’re floating.

YES!

I want the money!

I want the Benz!

I want the flights!

I want the rich husband!

I want even more beautiful things!

I want me & my besties sitting poolside drinking margaritas in a foreign country!

I want the freedom to say yes without checking the price first!

I want ..

& I want …

& I want some more…

But more than anything, I want to know that the life I’m living is one I consciously chose.

Not one I inherited.

Not one I settled into.

Not one I escaped into.

One I chose.

Thats what financial freedom means to me. Not. Proving anything to anybody.

Just having enough freedom that my life no longer has to be negotiated around what I can afford. Maybe finally, ole birdie is beginning to understand: the door was always open.

She just had to believe she was a bird before she could fly.