It’s funny how life works.
When I was 13, I couldn’t wait to grow up.
Now I’m 30, and sometimes I find myself wishing I could go back and tell my younger self to slow down because growing up doesn’t mean having all the answers.
The crazy part is … my daughter and I have been growing up at the same time.
She is 13, standing at the beginning of becoming a woman.
Im 30, standing at the beginning of becoming the woman Ive always imagined myself being.
And unfortunately it feels that those two journeys don’t always look the same.
I dream about waking up in a beautiful city, every week a new one, deciding what adventure I want to have that day— traveling, creating, writing, exploring the land, and building a life that feels intentional.
My daughter dreams about something different. She wants friends. She wants consistency. She wants the experience of being a typical teenager. And probably not being with her mother 24/7 as a world schooler probably would..
And as her mother , I have to ask myself… is it okay to encourage her to step into my dreams if it means she might have to defer hers? When are the right times to honor her dreams especially if it means mine have to be on hold?
The hardest part about motherhood is realizing your child is not actually an extension of you— they are their own person. And maybe my job isn’t to convince her to see the world the way I do. Maybe my job is to create a world where we both get to become who were meant to be.
I however sit at a crossroads with deciding how exactly to make that happen.
My baby girl, my shookie, she wants me to be the typical soccer mom to give her siblings before she graduates high school, to make her a “stepford wife”” breakfast, and always have dinner ready when she arrives home. She wants stability and consistency - quite literally the opposite of me.
But she has always been my grounding force. Forcing me to think of others not just myself. So ya know, I’m here giving this thought a chance. The thought of living with a partner I can actually build a family with not just coparent. Having a baby in the near future sometime before she’s 18 (rolls eyes) Actually having a home of my own with a lovely backyard where I can host her friends and their parents.
But not gone lie that thought kinda makes my skin crawl a bit because I don’t feel ready. How odd to say I know. But shookie was like the birth of a sister instead of a daughter. Now it would be my time to really handle responsibility in a way I haven’t before - and I guess that scares me.
But beyond being scared — I feel it doesn’t coincide with the life I've been envisioning. Once she goes to college if I choose to have another child - that child doesn’t dissipate at the moment she goes away - I’ll still have a baby lmaoo. 😖 So even though it’s part of her dream, it’s a reality that I would need to actually love and be able to integrate with the life I see for myself.
Im nervous that giving my first born a life she desires will take me away from mine. And maybe that is not entirely true but it’s definitely how I feel.
I mean right now I feel good about how my life is progressing and thankful that she is older I don’t have to deal with newborn baby tingz. I am focused on getting my body right, affording my dream car, building my online presence and platform, monetizing certain talents, figuring out where and with whom I want to live, transforming my style.. Im truly in a season of transformation to get everything I desire - so where does the life that my first born envisions, fit in exactly??
Well I hope you aren’t reading this thinking that by the end I’ll have some miraculous answer that solves my dilemma. But Ill leave yall with this..
This is definitely the part of motherhood nobody prepares you for!
You spend so much time teaching your child how to become their own person, and then one day you realize you have to do the same for yourself. Do the same for yourself while allowing them to embrace their individuality.
For so long, I've identified with just being a mom. The protector. The provider. The nurturer. The one making the decisions. The one trying to create a beautiful life for her.
But somewhere along the way, I became a woman with dreams that existed outside of motherhood.
And I don't think that makes me selfish.
I think it makes me human.
The truth is, I don’t want my daughter to grow up believing that she has to give up her dreams to love someone else. So why would I teach her that by giving up mine? A life of leisure, a life of constant travel, the life of a digital nomad, maybe even van life who knows .. Im still carving it out.
But maybe the lesson isn’t that she has to live my adventure.
Maybe the lesson is that she gets to watch me create mine while supporting her in creating hers.
Maybe she doesn’t need a mother who becomes exactly what she imagined.
Maybe she needs a mother who shows her what it looks like to evolve.
Right now, I don’t have all the answers.
I don’t know if our future looks like a backyards full of family gatherings, a passport full of stamps, or some beautiful combination of both.
I don’t know if my next chapter includes another baby, a bigger family, or simply pouring everything I have into the daughter I already have.
But I do know this…
I don’t want to make my decisions from fear, force, or accident!
I don’t want to choose a rebirth of motherhood because im afraid of disappointing her.
And I don’t want to choose “freedom” because I'm afraid of losing myself.
I WANT TO CHOOSE FROM A PLACE OF LOVE.
Love for my daughter.
Love for the woman I am becoming.
Love for the life we are both creating.
Love for the man who enters my life and reaffirms my next chapter.
The goal was never to want the same exact life.. although that would make mine a bit easier lol.
The beauty is to find love in the journey: through the mistakes, through the trials, through the moments that make everything worth while.
Maybe the beauty is that my daughter gets to have roots and I get to have wings.
And maybe if I do this right, she’ll grow up knowing she can have both too.
(Hey Siri, play “Always be my baby”, by Mariah Carey) 🎤
So in a world of people seeming to have it all figured out.. Im just a woman being consistent in the one area I know how— waking up everyday and doing my best to enjoy this experience on earth!
Until next time luv bugs .. Im signing out
-Love Nuni
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